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(September-2003) Techno babble
ASP >> Application service provider. What you feel like when your service provider goes out of business, taking your software and your data with it. Not to be confused with ESP, a quality you are expected to possess in order to understand the inner workings of your service provider.
>> Any off-spring produced by one W. Gates.
>> State of mind of a computer programmers’ spouse.
>> Technologies that further compound a customer’s frustration when he or she can't find what they are after and only have a computer screen to scream at.
>> Enterprise relationship management. Vendors’ latest attempt to sell you more software by encouraging automation of internal relationships once you've automated every last external relationship.
>> Found in cakes, used to end lock-ups.
>> Result of burning desire to demolish the computer.
>> A contradiction in terms.
>> Language written by people who can’t spell.
>> The look on the face of the computer salesperson as you walk away with a machine you will never know how to use to calculate your super returns.
>> All of the stuff you will have to buy from others in order to make something else you've already bought work as promised
>> Coffee, definitely coffee.
>> The most important part of a computer. Resembling a typewriter, the keyboard is used for entering errors into your extremely complex superannuation calculations and fee structures.
>> All the words left out of your computer.
>> 1. Something old; 2. Something blue (IBM, that is); 3. Some stuff you previously bought from the vendor now trying to sell you something else that will actually make what you bought before more useful.
>> What the salesperson said you were getting when you bought your micro computer. (see )
>> Software that is as abundant as Tuppeware, but nowhere near as practical.
>> A good excuse to change the name of an old product and sell it as part of a new range at double the price.
>> 1. Partner relationship management, or 2. Permanent Recurring Migrane — something you'll suffer forever more as you constantly try to pre-empt the next move of your suppliers (now referred to as ‘partners’).
>> A person who thinks he knows how to talk to a computer. A person who really knows how to talk to a computer is a fruitcake.
>> Partner relationship management. Spouting win-win rhetoric and calling your suppliers ‘partners’ while making sure they don’t try to slip anything by you.
>> Refers to newer versions of software or hardware that, the salesperson enthusiastically claims, can easily be added later.
>> A term coined by computer geeks worldwide to justify the long intimate hours they spend with their current technological ‘interest’.
>> An explosive mixture of two or more substances, such as “vendor” and “tech budget”.
>> What happens to a programmer when he starts talking about superannuation and complex fee structures at a party.
>> What you actually purchased for superannuation demonstrations when you were buying your computer (see ).
>> Proof that Americans can’t spell.
>> A good way to confuse a potential user and of masking the vendor’s own lack of expertise.
>> Someone requiring rehabilitation from super reforms.
>> Automated Funds Transfer system to account of one W. Gates.
>> Enhanced Automated Funds Transfer system to account of one W. Gates.
>> The last place you would find a programmer.
Source: Nicked from all over the place.
AUTHOR
Zilla Efrat
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